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Seniors, if you’re anything like me, you’ve been actively searching for a job the last three months with nothing to show for it — except for a couple of lousy rejection emails.

With graduation rapidly approaching, it’s finally time to accept the fact that you’re going to be unemployed. Well, if you’re a Newhouse student, you definitely will be. If you’re a Whitman student, congratulations on the next 10 years at Deloitte.

Searching for a job can feel like a never-ending purgatory of incessant networking calls, interviews and rejections. You’ve been dodging your mom’s calls because you know she only wants to talk about one thing: your job search. She wants to know whether you’ve applied to any new job postings and whether you emailed that one guy who graduated from Syracuse in 1966. If you plan on moving back home in May, things are about to change.

I’m not sure if anyone told you this, but there’s no way to avoid the frequent inquiries of your parents when you live in the same house as them. To be fair, all they want is the best for you. Consider their perspective. They’ve spent the last 21 years sharing their home with a money-sucking parasite who decided to pursue a liberal arts degree, and now all they want to do is pretend to hate being empty-nesters.

Being unemployed isn’t easy. I mean, it’s sort of easy in the sense you don’t have a job and you’re not working. However, the emotional and financial damage of being unemployed can be a lot to bear. As a fellow jobless loser, I’m here to help.

Here are five ways to cope with your newly acquired unemployment status:

Give up your job search and go to grad school.
Maybe you want to push off adulthood for a couple more years? Or maybe you’re just interested in collecting more debt? No matter what your reason is, make sure you’re getting your master’s in something really important like creative writing, anthropology or writing creatively about anthropology.

Lie!
Did NBC reject you for the sixth time? Tell your closest friends and family you finally got that dream job. Tell ‘em you’re making six figures straight out of college and all of your coworkers are totally obsessed with you. It’s not like anyone can fact-check you.

Pretend your side hustle is your main hustle.
Tell people DoorDash is far more fulfilling than any full-time gig. Don’t forget to rant about how other people are chained to their cubicles while you’re out there exploring the world. And just to clarify, by “world” I’m referring to the 20-mile radius where you’re allowed to do deliveries.

Network.
There’s nothing more terrifying than talking to a real adult person who knows more than you. They know how to pay taxes and how much to tip at restaurants. And you — well, you have a vague idea of what taxes and restaurants are. Pro tip: make sure to include as many grammatical and spelling errors as possible in your networking emails. This is a great way to lower your mentor’s expectations so when they meet you they’re delighted that you can even form a sentence.

Post a long-winded paragraph on LinkedIn about your unemployment status.
One of my favorite things is when LinkedIn influencer wannabes post those long semi-inspirational paragraphs. It’s not really clear what message they’re trying to convey, but it usually ends with something like, “never give up!” or “and that’s why I left my high-paying position to pursue podcasting.” Take a page out of their books and write a 1500-word post that will have your connections commenting, “you good, bro?”

Whether you’re working as a barista or bussing tables at some Italian restaurant, just remember that almost every new graduate is in your position (except for every Whitman student). It’s important to stop torturing yourself by reading other people’s LinkedIn job announcements and focus on your own version of success. At the risk of sounding sappy, if you’re returning home this May, appreciate the extra time you have to spare. Make that bread recipe with your mom. Help your dad clean out the garage. Teach your little sister how to braid.

Published on May 11, 2023 at 1:58 am