Dear Diary,

I’ve been feeling pretty down lately. Valentine’s Day is here, and I’m alone. Again.

I don’t know why, but this year I just thought things would be different. I’ve lost some weight since last year, so now I’m more of an oval shape instead of a circle, which Kent is pretty mad about — but I think girls like it. Or at least I thought they would.

It just seems like people use me for my fame. There have been so many times when I’m scootering down the promenade, and someone calls out, “Otto! Come here!” I always get my hopes up, thinking that, I don’t know, they’ll ask me to lunch or something.

But no. They never do. Why would I even think that … I’m so stupid. They just take a picture with me, then they leave. And that’s it.

It’s like, because I’m an orange or something they think I don’t have feelings. Well, whatever happened to not judging a book by its cover? It’s as if they think that there’s no heart beneath my thick peel and layers of juicy pulp.

I just feel like I’m ready for a deeper connection with someone, but I haven’t been finding that here at Syracuse University. Even the fruit they get for the dining hall here have no interest in me. I try talking to them, but they just ignore me.

The other day I saw this really cute apple in Schine Student Center, and I swear she was giving me signals … but when I went up to talk to her, her and her other apple friends just rolled away, laughing at me. I don’t get it. I’m too human for the fruit, and too fruity for the people. Oh Diary, what am I supposed to do?

I decided last night to make a profile on this new dating website called anthromorphicmatch.com. I’m usually against dating sites and apps — I don’t know why, but I don’t think anyone on Tinder ever takes me seriously. They see the profile “Otto” and think it’s a joke or something. Why would I make that up?

But anyway, things have been going all right on this dating site. One of the Teletubbies, Po, actually reached out to me the other day, but I heard he’s sort of a player.

I’ve actually had my eye on someone, though. Her name is Kernel Cobb. She’s the mascot for Concordia College and I chatted her with the perfect pick-up line. It was, “I wouldn’t mind if you got stuck in my teeth.”

She loved it! She responded by saying “Haha.” So I guess she thinks I’m funny. I think I might ask her to hang out with me — she’s perfect. She looks like a corn on the cob, but human, so she totally gets the whole no-foods-love-me-but-people-don’t-either thing. For the first time in so long, I really do have hope!

But, then again, I’m sort of nervous to put myself back out there. I’m still really torn up over my last relationship with Denise, who was one of those wacky-waving inflatable-arm-flailing tube-women.

Oh, how I miss her. I knew I couldn’t keep her here, though. She got a job offer at a Jeep car dealership, which is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, so I couldn’t be the one to hold her back from that. At the same time though, I really wish she stayed. I think she could’ve been the one…

Darn it Diary, I’m tearing up again. My therapist told me to stop thinking about her, and I know I should listen. I need to put myself back out there… no more just chatting girls, I want the real thing. I want to go on a date.

So, I think I’m going to ask out Kernel Cobb. Yeah, long distance might be hard from here to Minnesota, but I might as well give it a shot.

I’ll go Google some more pick-up lines before I message her. Oh Diary, wish me luck!

Until next week,
Xoxo
Otto

Annabeth Grace Mann is a sophomore film major. Her Humor column appears biweekly in Pulp. She can be reached at agmann@syr.edu.

Published on February 14, 2018 at 12:00 am