This Saturday is April 1, which means that it’s almost time for people to say to me, “You’re funny, help me come up with a prank for my significant other/roommate/person I’m flirting with whose attention I want but I can’t seem too needy.” Comedians — especially comedians who don’t do improvised comedy but instead write a weekly column in a school paper — love this. It’s a quick test of wits, and the looks I get when I say the first thing that comes to mind are how I keep humble.

Even though I don’t like pranks and I’m debatably not even good at them, I still feel that it is my job to give you content. I’m not the hero that you want, but I’m the hero The Daily Orange hired this semester. Plus, April Fools’ Day only comes once a year. The one day of the year when everyone can be as funny as The D.O. humor columnist. And, after all, 2017 just has so much to be funny about.

With that in mind, here is a list of my April Fools’ Day Prank Ideas, no rights reserved. Feel free to use any and all that strike your fancy.

Get enough sleep
This one might be a little hard to imagine. To best execute this bad boy, lay down at a reasonable hour without any technological device infringing upon your time. You then let yourself drift into sleep and maintain it until morning, getting eight or nine hours of sleep — whichever helps your body performs better.

Eat a vegetable
This one requires preparation. First, you must buy a vegetable of your choosing. Then you can either cook the vegetable or eat the vegetable raw. Be sure to wash it beforehand so you don’t get any unnecessary germs or sickness. Wouldn’t want you out of commission coming in on the busiest part of the semester. That would ruin the gag.

Treat your body right
This might seem vague. Your body is the partner-in-crime for your mind, its best friend, its right hand, left hand, all-of-the-limbs pal. For all of today, you should treat it like such. No self-deprecating talk that only makes you feel worse. Say nice things about it. Do what it craves. Appreciate all of the little things it does for you.

Do whatever exercise makes you feel best
Everyone needs exercise. But don’t exercise to be not fat today. Exercise to feel good and healthy. To do that, do whatever exercise you want to do, not just whatever extraneous limb day it is in your rotation.

Tell people you love how much you care about them
There are so many different people who make your life the way that it is and you almost never thank them for it. This day, say it in your words and your actions.

Whoopie cushions
Still funny, even at 21.

With these wild tricks up your sleeve, you’ll be sure to be remembered for years as a masterful joker.

Patty Terhune is a senior policy studies and television, radio and film dual major. She learned this morning when you type, “Why is April” into Google it auto-finishes to “Why is April the cruelest month.” Follow her on Twitter @pattyterhune or email her at paterhun@syr.edu.

Published on March 29, 2017 at 10:00 pm