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This past weekend, Josh Richards came to Syracuse University for the second time this year. Upon hearing this news, students everywhere said, “OK?”

I know that if I ran into Josh Richards, I’d probably avoid eye contact before turning around and walking the other way, like seeing your mom’s friend in the grocery store. There are just so many other people I would rather have come to campus than the guy who makes TikToks based solely around his floppy hair.

Here is a list of people I would rather have come to SU:

#1: My Dentist
Since he moved offices last May, it’s been kind of a hassle getting to appointments. I mean, come on, driving half an hour for a teeth cleaning is insane. So, I’d really love it if Dr. Johnson came to campus. Also, I feel like he would be a really fun person to go out on the town with.

#2: Oprah
Oprah would definitely be a fun person to go out on the town with. I mean, can you imagine her pulling up at Alpha Beta Whateveritscalled? Because I sure can. I also think she would have some killer giveaways. Instead of going to a bar and making out with strangers, Oprah would go out on Marshall Street and give away the keys to brand-new Mazdas.

#3: The cast of “Pitch Perfect”
If there’s one thing I love, it’s a capella. But keep that between us — me and all of the readers of the DO, I mean, because this is a very embarrassing fact. An even more embarrassing fact is that “Pitch Perfect” is on my Letterboxd Top 4. If the very talented cast of “Pitch Perfect” came to campus, I would no doubt have them give a reunion concert in Goldstein Auditorium where they get to sing all of their hits from the three movies.

#4: Greta Thunberg
She just seems like she’d be fun to gossip with. I also need her to explain to me how climate change works because I never paid attention in my earth science classes.

#5: Gordon Ramsay
I mean, this one is pretty self-explanatory. Not only would I love the reputation that comes with hanging out with Gordon Ramsay, but I think it would be really fun to bring him to a local restaurant and watch the passion he has for the culinary arts leave his eyes. I’m not sure if he’d verbally abuse the employees, sit on the ground and cry or both, but I’d love to see his reaction to their service.

#7: Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa, the creator of “Riverdale”
Quite frankly, I just want to hear his thought process. Specifically, what urged them to make not only one but multiple musical episodes when no one in their cast can actually sing?

#8: Whoever decided to limit Netflix accounts to one household
Another thought process I want to hear about. I also want to loudly read a strongly worded letter because I now have to pay for my own Netflix. Who do you think I am, Kim Kardashian? I can’t afford that.

#9: My Nana
She’s an avid reader of the humor column, so a little note to my Nana: hi! Come to campus any day. I would love to get lunch. Also, for the rest of you, she is just a cool lady and I think she should have a personal Q&A event. Personally, I believe it would be a sold-out show.

#10: Santa
Now, I’ve heard the rumors. I know you all think he’s fake. But I know in my heart of hearts that he is real. Santa, if you’re reading this, we’d love to have you come and talk about the whole operation. Maybe even bring a few reindeer. They can probably stay in one of the Schine wellness rooms or something. I’ll have my people call your people.

To any gossip blogs that may try to write articles about me and Josh Richards, the rumors are false. We did not have a falling out. I just have no desire to grab a drink with him if he comes back in April, only Oprah.

Published on October 22, 2023 at 8:22 pm

Contact Sarah: sswells@syr.edu